With God I find Comfort

“There will always be some random thoughts of death.”

Something most cancer patients could relate to. I know, because I also have these random thoughts on random days.

There are days I forgot about my cancer, except for the obvious flat chest, the surgical wound I always see when I take a bath, and the numb sensation around it, but over all, I certainly feel NORMAL on most days.

But there are also days, when the sudden random thoughts of death would visit me without any patterns. The thought that reminds me that I am still a cancer patient. The thought that says, “Don’t be too happy coz cancer might just be sleeping”. And finally, the thought of “what if I Am I really dying soon? What would my fate be?” It makes me sad. But I sit with these thoughts and acknowledged them because they are also NORMAL. Yes, it is normal for someone who just ended up chemo. It is normal to be scared when you slashed a year in your life because all you’ve done was battle cancer the whole time. And it is normal to feel uncertain. But, LET THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES BE THE TIME TO LEAN ON TO THE ONE WHO CERTAINLY KNOWS ALL THINGS… GOD.

I would sit with my emotions and patiently wait for them to vanish. During these moments, I’d drown myself with my personal playlist of praise and worship songs, meditate with the word of God, and cast all my worries and fears to the Lord in prayer. It has always been effective. Always.

Truth is, who can control the manner of his own death? His Time? Or his Fate?

Fear can always be used by the devil to draw us farther from believing in God almighty. Our weakness will always be were the devil feed.

It is okay not to be okay. But, it is not okay to battle it all alone. He is always present.

Courage to be Uncomfortable

Parang antagal kong hindi nakapagsulat but I finally got time to meditate again.

In every reset, there is always an uncomfortable feeling about starting over. Minsan it is scary to challenge yourself to the unfamiliar but you have to do it anyways kasi you’ll only grow when you get out of your comfort zone.

I don’t think I’ve mastered the art of being courageous, but, what drives me more in doing things I am afraid of is the Fear of remaining in the state of curiosity sa mga what ifs in life. Hindi ako matapang but I wanted to try because I want to see my potentials and discover things I can only unfold through TRYING. Losing and failing something despite of effort is better than just watching them gone without doing anything.

Im happy to be back… I’m happy that I’m always trying to pick up where I left. I am happy to build the courage of just not being discourad with failures and pauses.

Flawed and Beautiful

This coconut tree taught me that you can be #Flawed and still be #Beautiful.

Just because you were born different, or circumstances in your life made you different and probably took away your once normal body and life, means you can’t make anymore Difference or even add up beauty sa mundong ito. Our soul speaks in a way unimaginable. If we can’t appeal to other people’s eyes, then let our soul appeal to their souls.

Tumayo ka lang. Stand tall and be confident despite your deformities. Speak your soul. Show your heart. Let your beauty radiate because it is the vibe that you send to everyone that matters the most.

First Outing After Chemo

Early morning of March 1, 2023, Mike and I decided to take teacher Honey (my yoga teacher) out to the beach para kahit paano maunwind din siya. Ito din ang kauna-unahang pagkakataon na makakapag unwind kami ni mike mula ng natapos ko ang chemotherapy ko last september of 2022. During chemo days kasi, di ako makalabas masyado, and can’t even swim sa dagat dahil mainit and chemo made my skin so dry and sensitive kaya madali masunog. Hanggang ngayon madali padin naman ma-irritate pero mas malakas na kasi ang loob ko.

We decided na sa Pakpak-lauin pumunta dahil weekday so wala masyadong tao. Makakapag introvert moments kaming tatlo. (Nagsama sama pa mandin kaming may kanya-kanyang trip sa buhay)

Wala kaming baon kundi pork bacon at samgyup cut beef lang at nagdala nalang kami ng lutuan. Of course di mawawala ang coffee.

Good to Sea you!!!
Tuwing pumupunta ako dito, lagi akong may shot nito. Iba iba lagi ang dating niya kahit pauli ulit kinukuhanan
This is a wooden mug from sagada. Ang sarap niya talaga inuman ng kape isabay pa ang view ng dagat.
It was 8am so masarap pa magpaaraw. Time to recharge and boost my vit D. (📸 by Husband)

Naligo na din kami agad ni mike habang maaga pa. Medyo maalon, masarap kasi parang natural massage na din.

Of course, ang dakilang tagaluto, ang Mahal ko…
Smoked Bacon of Palawan Smokers

Mula january nagrereview lang din si Mike. Di kami makalabas kasi araw araw ang review at hanggang gabi din ang discussion. We want to unwind para fresh din ang mind niya bago mag-exam.

This is also my much needed break para makapagmeditate after everything that has happend to me. My cancer, chemo, and resignation.

Cancer and Me

I claim to be a woman of God.
Sa Kanya huhugot ng lakas at pag-asa. Sa pamamagitan Niya, ako ay magpapatuloy.

Many people complimented me for how strong I handled chemo and faced my cancer battle. I have read terms such as “maswerte ka”, “buti ka pa”, but what they do not know is that I am also as scared as hell. People didn’t know how I earnestly prayed to ask for the strength and courage.

Despite my fear, I do things scared. I fought hard but I never forget to celebrate life in between my struggles.

I am not my circumstances. I am what God teaches me during all those circumstances. I found joy in my lowest, and love during the loneliest time of my life.I realized that fighting scared is possible, and one need not to fake being strong just to be strong.The Grace of the Lord has always been enough for me. Posting these because I am about to close one chapter of my life. Looking back on all these photos, I am reminded of my resilience because of God’s faith in me.

The Grace of the Lord has always been enough for me. Posting these because I am about to close one chapter of my life. Looking back on all these photos, I am reminded of my resilience because of God’s faith in me.Cancer has took over my breast, but it revealed my strength. Sinira niya ang katawan ko, but it fixed my soul. It wrecked my plans but it directed my to seek my purpose. I hate you cancer but I am grateful to meet you. You changed me, the hard way, and God’s way.

Cancer has took over my breast, but it revealed my strength. Sinira niya ang katawan ko, but it fixed my soul. It wrecked my plans but it directed my to seek my purpose. I hate you cancer but I am grateful to meet you. You changed me, the hard way, and God’s way.

*All photos were taken during my chemo days.

Too Cold to Care?

Ngayon ay paguusapan natin ang apathy…

Ano ang Apathy?

  • Loss of desire
  • Lack of care
  • Lack of interest
  • Lack of motivation


Hindi nagpapakita ng interest, NR or no reaction.

Have you ever met apathetic people?

Apathetic people are people who are cold. Cold enough to be involved, cold enough to express, and cold enough to share.

Why do we become apathetic?

⁃ Sa work, maaaring burned out ka na. Or di ka mo na makita ang purpose mo. Or bored na bored ka na.

⁃ Sa relasyon, maaaring nagbago na ang damdamin mo, nanlamig ka na. Meron ka nang iba? (Bad yun)

⁃ Sa buhay, dahil marami kang karanasang hindi maganda sa pakikupagkapwa tao. Inabuso ang kabaitan mo, sinaktan ka at iba pa.

⁃ Sa ispirituwal na aspeto, dahil pakiramdam mo hindi naman dinidinig ang panalangin mo. Or sapat nang mananampalataya ka na at marami namang ibang willing gumawa.

Ako, I became apathetic at one point of my life kasi I wanted to protect myself from pain.

To get involved, one may develop attachment and expectation. If we create desire and interest, we are also prone for disappointment. If we care, we may be hurt by words and actions.

Even in our spiritual life, we can experience these things.

I said No too many times before, to any work that involves any ministry. I decline to FEAST sa hapagkainan na inoofer ni God sa akin because I was not interested with His offer. I was not interested because I fear that He might not Love me still afterwards. Kahit na alam kong may kaya akong itulong at ibahagi, I’d rather watch minitries crumble down, than get involved. I dont want to be involved because I’m scared not to be appreciated. I tried not to care, because I experienced rejection, abused and being misunderstood in my initiative in the past. But you see, there is no Fulfillment in being Apathetic Christian as there is no Joy in being cold and lonely man.

The more gifted we are, the more helpful and kind we should be. If we want peaceful life ahead, we create peaceful life, not avoid life itself by practicing apathy. The more we want goodness, the more we should be motivated to cultivate it within our own practice. The more we want to meet Christ-like individuals, the more involved we should be in turning every person into one.

Worries Wear Us Down

Meron ba sa ating hindi nangangamba?

Nung bata pa ako, pag sinasakay ako ni mama sa kotse at pinagmamaneho, napakatulin niya magpatakbo at ako ay tuwang tuwa.

Ngunit ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay titigil na ang tibok ng aking puso kapag nakakasakay na ako ng matulin na sasakyan kahit pa asawa ko ang nagmamaneho.

Bakit tayo nangangamba? Sapagkat nasaksihan na natin ang maraming sakuna, at may consciousness na tayo ng danger and death.

What is anxiety? Ito ay matinding takot sa bagay at sitwasyong inaasahan nating mangyari na maaaring magdulot ng matinding kapahamakan sa ating buhay. Ibat iba din ang level nito. Mula Mild to Severe.

Anxiety is protective. Kasi pag di ka din nangangamba, di ka kikilos, di ka magiingat. Ngunit ito ay masama kung hindi ka na makapagfunction dahil nabalit ka na ng Takot at di mapakali sa nararamdamang kabalisaan.

Mild anxiety helps us to focus, gaya ng kapag tayo ay may nalalapit na eksaminasyon. But, Severe anxiety disables us because the fear outweighs our determination and decision making capacity.

Mas tumatanda ako, mas dumadami ang akong responsibilidad, mas nagiging matindi ang aking pangamba. I was anxious na wala akong mapuntahan ang buhay ko, I was anxious na iwan ako ng lahat at matirang mag-isa sa mundong ito, I was anxious about encountering bad strangers, I was anxious that death would come anytime soon.

I was a chronic worrier. A worrier and overthinker. A pessimist, always waiting for WORST to come.

I even volunteered as a patient for a motivational counselling demo because I saw that my worries are something I needed to work out with. And the counsellor was even surprised when I said

“I am a chronic worrier to a point where I also get so worried when I am not worrying about something else anymore”

Ganyan kalala.

Later on I was diagnosed of Bipolar Disorder 2. A disorder I fully embraced which made me more reason to rationalize about my worries.

How I overcome my Anxiety?

One of the most fearful event I have never imagined to come was the tragic death of my Mom. Truth is, I was sooo dependent with her, emotionally, physically, and financially.

Today is actually her 4th Death Anniversary. Through her death I learned so much.

Nadiskubre ko na matapang ako. Na kaya kong magfunction sa kabila ng takot. Na kapag wala ka nang choice kundi maging strong, ay magiging strong ka.

Natutunan kong sumandal 100% sa Diyos, kasi wala na akong ibang alam na pwedeng sandalan. Parehas kaming incapable ni mike. Parehas na nag-uumpisa. Nangangapa.

Natutunan kong harapin ang takot ko. Na may mga takot na hindi natin matatakasan, ngunit hindi din masosolusyunan ng Takot mismo.

Natutunan kong matakot lamang pag andiyan na ang kinatatakutan ko, at hindi mangamba hanggat wala pa ito. In fact, if you revisit all the times you feared something, you will realize na nung nakaharap niyo na ang sitwasyong yun, they were not truly as bad as they all seem.

Natutunan kong maging komportable kahit may pangamba. I am learning to live in the present and let the future worries about itself. I learned that my fear is anti-happiness. The more fearful I am, the less I enjoy each moment. Nothing can be accomplished by fear. Nothing can be prevented even if we fear all day long.

Sometimes, ang ating pakiramdam ay sinungaling at mapanlinlang. Hindi ito laging maaasahan. Kaya huwag laging mapagpaniwala sa sinasabi ng utak.

One of my favorite book was written by my favorite author (ang gusto kong maging lolo hehe) Dale Carnegie. Pwede niyo din ito basahin if you are an anxious person.

Ngunit walang dadaig sa Bibliya. When I was battling cancer, it is where I find peace, comfort and assurance.

Let us cast our worries to God. He is afterall the Alpha and the Omega. The beginninng and the end. The One who knows and controls everything.

Jesus walks with us

Nagkatawan siyang tao upang tayo ay tubusin sa kasalanan.

He walked on our shoes except that He did not sin because He conquered sin.

He suffered as flesh so that we will remember it forever every time we are tempted to do evil things for the sake of our comfort.

Sa totoo lang, I never go out of my comfort zone. Okay na ako sa okay lang basta mahalaga sakin di ako nahihirapan, sure akong di ako masasaktan, at hindi ako mapapagod.

I was self-centered. Dapat “ako muna”.

Learning everything that God had sacrificed for us; He sacrificed His only begotten son, and learning everything that Jesus have gone through in flesh, para matupad ang kalooban ng Ama, at alang alang sa pag-ibig Niya sa atin, I began to find joy in my own sacrifices.

Marami pa akong hindi tuluyang naiiwan, ngunit masaya akong unti-unting nababago dahil sa Diyos, at para sa Diyos.

God ain’t calling us to be perfect. But, He is calling us to grow in our wisdom, mature in our ministry, and sacrifice our comfort if our comfort means stagnation in Faith.

Tunay na may suffering sa pagpapalaganap ng gawa ng Diyos, sapagkat pinakamadali maging isa sa kasalanan. Pinakamadali mabuhay ng para sa sarili lamang.

Suffering sanctifies us. Just as we are sanctified because of Jesus.

Be Slow to Anger

Day 1 Lent Meditation

Ito ang kwento ng Galit.

Maraming ugat ang galit, at ito ay isa lamang manifestation. Manifestation ng insecurity, pride, unhappiness, loneliness and bitterness.

Galit ka kasi hindi pwedeng tama siya at mali ka.

Galit ka kasi hindi mo makuha ang gusto mo.

Galit ka kasi hindi pwedeng masaya siya at loser ka.

Galit ka kasi pakiramdam mo galit din sila sayo.

Galit ka sa mundong nakakagalit, kasi naniniwala kang galit din ang mundo sayo.

Ganitong ganito ang karanasan ko.

Ito lahat ang ugat ng galit ko.

Pinakamadaling gawin ang magalit. Mas madali din hanapin ang mga bagay na nakakagalit sa kapwa kaysa kaibig-ibig. In fact, dumating ako sa puntong di pwedeng mas galit sila, dapat mas galit ako (competitive!).

Although di naman ako mapagtanim ng sama ng loob (honestly), pero magagalitin ako.

Ngunit marami akong natutunan tungkol sa karanasan ko sa Galit at Poot.

Ang Mas Galit ay mas Hindi Nakakatulog.

Yung kinagalitan mo, payapang namumuhay, habang ikaw, di makatulog kasi binabagabag ka ng iyong damdamin at nilalamon ka ng galit.

Hindi batayan ng tapang ang Galit.

May joke dati na para di ka awayin, unahan mo na ng galit. Hindi totoo yun. Akala mo di ka pinatulan kasi mukha kang matapang pero ang totoo, mas ibinaba mo ang sarili mo kasi you acted out of control.

Nakakagawa ng bagay na kasuklam suklam ang Galit.

Nakakapagsalita at nakakagawa tayo ng mga bagay na pwede nating pagsisihan sa huli.

Walang nasosolusyunan ang galit.

Wala. Nadagdagan pa ang problema mo. Worst, dumagdag ka pa sa problema.

How do we cure anger?

Humility and Self Control.

Ang tanong ay masama ba ang magalit?

Photo credit from joshtinpowers on flickers

Ang Galit ay emosyon, at lahat naman ng tao ay nakararanas nito. What God wants us to do is to control and slow down our anger so we would avoid committing things we will regret after. Anger can break a home. Kaya nitong kumitil ng buhay. Anger can even destroy the very person who experienced it.

Remember Cain and Abel. Remember kung paano pinagsabihan ng Panginoon si Cain na huwag magpadala sa galit, huminahon at mag-isip munang maigi. Hindi niya pinagbawalan si Cain magalit. Ngunit sinasabi ng Panginoon, huwag magpakontrol at magpadala sa galit…

Thank God I found You before I was even destroyed by Anger.

Way Beyond My Own Understanding

I am feeling uneasy since yesterday. I dont even have the drive to create something special for my facebook page. Honestly speaking, nauumay ako.

I spent the last 3 years, since 2020, writing about foods, and health, and wellness. I have been teaching people how to eat better for optimal health. At kahit paulit-ulit pa, paulit-ulit lang din ang tanong, “tama ba itong kinakain ko Doc? Paano ba ako gagaling, Doc? Ito doc, pwede ba ito?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my advocacy. But people lately become too obsessed with EVERYTHING GOOD to a point where they do not allow space for mistake. Kaunting mali, and they will get so anxious about it.

I lived an anxious life for quite sometime. I know how it feels like na bawat galaw mo ay karkulado. Bawat mali mo, you will overthink, to a point na feeling mo ikamamatay mo na kinabukasan.

First of all, napakatalino ng lumikha sa atin. At napakagaling ng ating katawan. Kung paano ito nagpupump ng dugo na wala namang makinarya at higit sa lahat, how we are ALIVE is already such an incredible mistery na kahit pa physiology wouldn’t be able to find out why. To be able to breath, and to die. The reality that nobody can ever recreate life instead of Birth, already tells us something: we couldn’t find answers to everything. That is how God wants us to realize, na hindi natin siya matatapatan, and we are limited, ngunit Siya ay ang dakilang karunungan.

I have been in the field of science ever since I was 15. I fell in love with human body so I took Medicine because I want to know more. I want to Treat the Human Body. Pero habang tumatagal, habang tumatanda ako sa field na ito, habang mas marami akong nalalaman at natututunan, mas lalo kong nauunawaang napakaraming bagay na impossible lalo na if we become greedy of knowledge, because we simple can’t have it all, know it all, and perform it all.

I studied nursing when I was 15 and finished at 19. I went to med school since 2010. I became a Licensed Physician last 2015. SInce then all I did was treat, but eveythime, I encounter a difficult case, the only effective measure that have ever worked was PRAYER.

I find myself praying for each of my patient but more for those I wanna give up to. Yung di ko na alam ang gagawin because my methods won’t work anymore. Ipinagpapasa Diyos ko nalang and surprisingly, they get better. I am not a Faith healer. Yet, I truly believe that FAITH HEALS.

If only I could answer to everyone in my page: “JUST PRAY”, I would… Ngunit marami pang hindi handang tumanggap. Hindi pa handa ang mga puso nila.